


Harmony

by 8hephaestion8



Series: What We Have [4]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Boyfriends, Conflict Resolution, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-19 05:03:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hephaestion8/pseuds/8hephaestion8
Summary: We step back into the story where we left off. There are things to resolve, some pain, and finally happiness.This is FICTION.





	Harmony

**Author's Note:**

> I had intended to publish this as chapters but thought better. This rounds the story out.

Chapter One

The inquiry of truth, which is the love-making or wooing of it;

the knowledge of truth, which is the presence of it;

and the belief in truth, which is the enjoying of it - is the sovereign good of human nature.

\- BACON.

…We spoke about this couple, seems they are serious. Serious enough for a visit to the heir’s ancestral roots. The boy seems to be very fond, they were caught canoodling on the trip away from Los Angeles’s bright lights. His management are not happy about this though, he is on the brink of breaking into the mainstream, and neither will the heir’s family be happy if the news about them comes out…

Timmy’s head was hurting. He needed some time out, still quite not come to terms with Armie had told him, happier because he had a better understanding of what had contributed to Armie’s behaviour but it still wasn’t quite resolved. He hadn’t the experience to know what was the right thing to do. He could tell that Armie was better in himself for telling Tim what had happened to him in the past, but he could also see that Armie still held on memories and in doing so had not completely let go of all the things which troubled him, he was just about on speaking terms with his father and hardly saw him. There was no consistent nor mutual understanding between them. His father had mellowed with age and late fatherhood but his attitude to same sex relationships had not changed. They met infrequently, mainly to sort out family business or when Armie sat in on a board meeting of the foundation each time he took the opportunity to tell Armie of his duty to the family and the organisation. Armie didn’t see the point of trying to change his mind or trying to influence his view. His normal response sufficed, fuck him, father or not, if he could not accept the fact that there were different expressions of love but ultimately only a parallel path to the same outcome then he could fuck himself, he’d spend only such time with him that he needed.

Now there was a second blind, Brian had been straight on the phone, Timmy had not been following any of the gossip sites, his view being best to stay off them, he might see something that he didn’t need to see. And Brian was not happy.

‘What were you doing?’

‘Nothing Brian, we have hardly been out of Armie’s house.’

‘Come on, that plainly isn’t true. What were you doing?’

‘Armie kissed me.’

‘In the fucking street?’

Timmy couldn’t answer.

‘Yes or no?’

‘Well, not exactly in the street…we were…anyway it doesn’t matter does it? We should just ignore it like we always do. If we acknowledge it by taking action then it only confirms it is true, that’s what you always say. And don’t bother telling me that I need get a girlfriend, I am not doing it. I already told you if I have to beard to save my career, I would rather give up the career than my happiness. I’ll talk to Armie about how he wants to handle it. That’s all I am going to say.’

‘I’ve already had the studio on the phone Tim. They are sympathetic but nervous, your next film should break you out to the wider public, they don’t want any scandal or gossip to mar the release…’

‘Don’t bother saying anything else Brian…Armie’s not married, I’m not married – we have already established a relationship...’K friendship. He’s a good friend, we spend time together. That’s all the general public need to know. Don’t address it, let it lie. I’ll be more careful and I’ll warn Armie he needs to stop kissing me in public…Say nothing.’

Once off the phone he snickered. The studio could stick it.

‘Armie, we need to be more careful. Brian is wild about that blind, I thought we would not get tracked down to here, but nowhere is safe, is it? Look, I don’t care, but others do.’

Armie said nothing, they were back in the Dacha. Armie had spoken at length about his feelings regarding Jacob and Timmy just had to accept that there was little he could do about what had happened. He suggested talking to a therapist, Armie said he had done that; he offered to be his confidante, Armie had looked at him like he had digested a bad meal and repeated the mantra, let it lie. Now Timmy felt an underlying disquiet, wanting to be with Armie at the same time realising that there were many complex things to understand about this man and in doing this he learnt he had complex things to understand and learn about himself.

He had to admit that he was drawn to Armie for not entirely good reasons. Armie outright just liked him, the lust and high level sex drive were just manifestations of the fact that he could not help himself around Timmy. Armie was drawn to him like a magnet, helpless in the pull towards him, Timmy’s presence brought out in Armie all the things that he wanted try with another human being, not the dark arts of lovemaking but a pure drive to own and possess him, to make Timmy in thrall to him, and make him feel the same level of desire that he felt. What might be expressed in sexual terms was simply a quest for power. To get to a position where Timmy was beholden to him, sought his advice, desired his company, went to him first. Primary among equals.

For Timmy it was disbelief that someone like Armie was interested in him. He was a mixture of smug, proud and self-satisfied that Armie made his interest in him so clear. In fact he had to stop himself being over-confident. He was certain that he had Armie wrapped around his little finger, and not quite sure how it had happened or if it was something enduring.

He was small framed, tallish, very slim, delicately good looking rather than effeminate. And he still wasn’t sure if he was Armie’s type, he’d worked out from observing him that he preferred dark haired men…other than that…he couldn’t even grow a beard and was still slightly anxious that he wasn’t Armie’s type, not that it mattered, all that mattered was Armie could not leave him alone. He was soft in humour and joy came easily to him, not typically male, and he could still draw on that well of happiness that comes from youthful innocence, the hard edges of being a typical male and extreme experience were nowhere on him. And yet, he took no prisoners and no one took him for a fool. He walked with a roll, his ass was well formed, he’d pull up his t-shirt at the back to show it off. It wasn’t only Armie who salivated when he walked ahead. Timmy knew the effect he had on men generally, Brian had had to warn him on than one occasion at events to lay off overt displays of over-friendliness, on one occasion pulling him away from Brett Andrews, an established star on whom Timmy had a crush, and whose arm he was hanging off in full view of TV cameras. After that Timmy had learnt to disguise his interest by taking a ‘bro’ approach to men he was interested in. The general public had no idea that he was essentially gay, and that was just fine. He was not hiding, just trying to retain a private life. But Armie was different, he could not believe his luck. This man made no bones about it, Armie wanted him and he wanted to dominate him in a way that Timmy had never experienced, and he ran headlong into that fire. He did not care who knew about them, that Armie had essentially kissed him in the street meant nothing more than Armie having progressed from a man in conflict with himself to someone who had begun to open the door to him and was finally welcoming him into the kind of relationship that neither had thought possible. He was not going to hide Armie, and would be proud to walk down any street arm in arm with him.

But this time the blind was picked up by SM, and guessing began. A few astute people realised it was them and pointed out the similarities between Armie’s background and Timmy’s ascent in Hollywood. It still hadn’t reached the general public and as Timmy pointed out it was scandalous only in as much as they were a gay couple, it would have been a very different story if one of them had been married. Brian chastised them both, and told them that the media now had them on their radar, and they had to pay attention and not create any more items for the gossip rags to pick up.

They spent the rest of the time at Dacha barely going out, ordered food in, watched Netflix, spent nights in amorously, exploring softer tender approaches to love-making, and days talking, both aware that they soon had to go back to Los Angeles and back into a public life. Timmy arranged for Armie to get a key to his apartment and after some thought Armie did likewise for him, the keys were waiting for them on their return. Their individual worlds had to merge. How? And what would happen now?

‘Does anyone know you are gay Armie?’

The relationship might be changing nature but Armie never did, he turned a hard eyed look on Timmy.

‘I have never discussed my private life with anyone, you are the only person with that privilege. Some have drawn conclusion but I pay no attention to what anyone thinks. What are _you_ going to do when we go back? Going to get a girlfriend…’

‘Don’t be fucking stupid. No I’m not, I’m not like…’

He named a global female star with several half billion dollar films under her belt who was currently living with a lesser Hollywood male star, a former co-star, who had helped her have the child she wanted, and who was known on the downlow to have her real partner, an older woman, living in the house next door. It was an arrangement that suited all, as the actor had his boyfriend living two houses down in the same gated community. It suited everyone, the press knew, interview questions on family and relationships were forbidden, everyone in the media knew the rules, play the game, help a career and gain access to the star. Comment was made regarding their public partners and the close friendships between the four, and the fact that they were regularly found at the same Hollywood parties and dinners but the relationships were kept out of the public gaze. Anyone tracking could work what was really going on, they were not really hiding, merely carrying out a game of cat and mouse. No lies were told, they were all genuinely fond of each other but they loved their respective partners and were only trying to have some kind of normal and personal life.

Several days went by, Timmy turned more reflective, he wanted to talk with some people. Get some advice, he was beginning to feel anxious and fearful for the future. His career was on track, he had two films waiting to come out. One was going to create a buzz and he’d have to do, some, rather, a lot of promotion, the other, well the other one had somehow got off track between filming and editing, he’d been told to leave that one alone and not to refer to it. If he and Armie became a thing, what would happen? Could they walk the red carpet together? What became of his desire to not hide anything? Doubt began to cloud his mind. What were they doing?

‘What are we going to do Armie? I can carry on giving less than a fuck, but I have to be realistic. At some point something is going to be said. I told Brian that I wasn’t going to beard. I can choose not to answer any questions and have a conclusion drawn for me or I can go balls out and walk down the street with you as my partner. What do you want?’

Armie’s focus was pulled inwards, witnessed as silence. He thought he didn’t care, but found that he did – only because it meant that Timmy was going to have to address his personal life or have it addressed for him. He wasn’t an underground star any longer and if his career was going the way it seemed to be going then at some point a question about his sexuality would be asked or inferred; leaving it open was the same as saying yes, I’m not straight, flex it in any direction and it came out as gay. It was better to make a statement of some kind and have the conclusion drawn that was wanted. And Timmy had never taken any interest in women, there was no girl to crawl out and give him credence as a straight man. It was going straight into bearding with no cover. Not very plausible. Best not go down that route, let people draw whatever conclusion they wanted, and whatever he decided he would stand beside him. They didn’t have to walk hand in hand down the road, they just had to be seen several times in each other’s company, a conclusion would be drawn, they could call it a bromance or close friendship or roommates, whatever, let people think what they wanted.

Timmy pre-tested opinion, looking straight at Armie when he said:

‘I think I’ll get married. I could marry someone, live with them for a few months, and then we could get divorced a year later – say it was youthful exuberance and a mistake.’

The hard look turned steely. A gauntlet thrown down and accepted.

‘If you do that, I will match you in marriage and get myself two children, the better to secure the family inheritance.’

They looked into each other’s eyes, one was now wary the other defiant.

Armie further parried.

‘It’s not my choice. It makes no difference to me, I can live off my own, my father won’t like me being associated with you but if I can live with that so can you. If you go down the route of bearding, however you do it girlfriend or wife, I will not stand around waiting for you. I will go into some arrangement myself, but if you think that is going to resolve your problem you are mistaken. We will just be living a lie to keep other people happy. You never wanted to do that, and there is a price to be paid. As I said, it isn’t a choice I have to make. You have to decide if this is something that is worth doing, and how much you want to pay in terms of sacrificing your self-worth and credibility. 

I would only go into an arrangement over the period of your contract with whomever you choose. And when that is over, then we will live together, we can treat it as a means to an end. Ultimately, we will be able to go about our business without anyone passing comment publicly, we’ll both have had a female/male relationship that everyone respects and values.

Your family and friends are going to question you and ask you if what you say is truthful or self-serving: How much you are doing it to save your career or to make money?

Also, remember those who enable you in this are going to make money, you are a source of income and I know you need them to access the right people to facilitate your career and to provide advice or counsel you but never forget they live off you Timmy. They might like you but they are essentially parasites. Be careful, because whatever you choose is going to come at great cost, and I don’t think you realise how much you might have to pay.’

‘I’m still thinking about what to do Armie. I was testing the waters, see how you’d react. I really don’t know what to do. It seemed very straightforward, I thought I could just kind of carry on living my life, minding my own business but I can’t, if I acknowledge the blinds I lose control over how I present myself, I have to respond to whatever they write. Eventually I’ll lose credibility. If I ignore them they can write what they like, it’s a double-edged sword; at least if I just carry on as I am and live an open life they can only get me on the things that I hide. And, the thing is I am not hiding. They just make it seem like I am, like I am doing something to be ashamed of. And I am not ashamed of only being interested in men, what’s wrong with that? I am gonna speak with my mum Armie. I don’t want to ask you to wait for me Armie, I want you, I just have to make up my mind how to handle our relationship in relation to my career, to see if we can be completely open…What if …

‘I want to support you Timmy, but don’t make any assumptions on my behalf. Don’t say “to see if we can be completely open …” and just expect me to fall in with your plans. I might actually have a view on this…’

This caused Timmy to jerk his head up and gaze deeply into Armie’s face, what was he saying? Would he give him up or throw over his support?

‘You said you would marry and match me for the time period!’

‘Because you gave me a specific example. If you just expect me to just roll along with whatever you decide then you need to think twice.’

Now Timmy was hurt as well as confused. He definitely needed to seek advice, it looked like he couldn’t rely on Armie either.

‘Look, so far I have managed to live under the radar, I may belong to a wealthy prominent family, but I have managed to keep my private life private. You don’t hear about my carryings on, about the men at the club, do you? You may have heard about me on gay forums or in the community but generally? The answer has to be no. I am not really known. You on the other hand are just on the periphery of stardom. Not yet known but clearly about to break through. Get real, if you want that career you are chasing you need to consider how you are going to manage your private life and as I am part of your private life then you need to consider me and discuss with me what we are going to do.’

‘For fuck’s sake, I am asking you about what we should be doing!’

‘That’s not the same as dealing with a decision that you intend taking. And you have made up your mind haven’t you?’

Timmy face changed from frustration to petulance, a soft pout was emerging.

‘Can I trust you?’

‘Trust me with what?’

‘Forget it.’

Timmy got up from his chair in the corner and went into the bedroom, closed the door. Armie stayed where he was, he had to let Timmy come round of his own accord. He couldn’t just make things right for him without due consideration of the impact on his own life. He was used to being able to go where he wanted when he wanted, if he accepted Timmy’s preferred route, it was forget privacy, they would become pap fodder, even though this might be for a limited time. The long term expectation that they would never entirely escape scrutiny. That would not suit him, he had to have some kind of control over his own life. Yes, he wanted Timmy but not at any expense, this situation had made him realise that. He got up and went into the bedroom.

‘Would you like a drink before you go to bed?’

He got a perturbed look, then a reluctant answer.

‘Is there any more camomile?’

‘I’ll look, what if there isn’t any? Hot water?’

‘Yes please, just some hot water please.’

Timmy sounded defeated.

Armie came round the bed, Timmy was standing very still between the window and the bed, his bedtime outfit in his hand like he was contemplating putting it on. Armie took it out of his hands. Timmy put his arms around Armie’s neck and pressed himself into his body, Armie dropped the clothing onto the bed and pulled Timmy further in. Timmy settled, and then spoke.

‘I don’t know what to do. I really thought I didn’t care, but now I’ve thought about it, I do, and part of the reason I’m uncertain is that I have to include you, and, I thought that we agreed that what other people thought wasn’t important but it is…’

Armie shushed him.

‘Do you want me to stay or do you need some time on your own?’

‘Why would I want you to go Armie, we are in this together. I just need to talk to Brian and to my Mom. I’ll do that tomorrow – what I need from you tonight is for you to stay here and show me that you care.’

On waking the next morning, Timmy released himself from Armie’s hold. They had not made love, they had carried on talking through to the early hours and consequently when he woke it was past nine. He left Armie to sleep, pulled on some clothes, got his phone, went into the living area and called his Mom. She would be up, she was an early bird.

‘Mom’

‘Hello Darling, how are things? Is Armie OK, why are you calling so early, is everything all right?’

‘I want some advice.’

Nicole knew something was wrong, she heard it in his voice and he was asking for advice. Timmy was nearly always certain that what he was doing was right, to ask for advice was indication he was troubled.

‘What’s wrong? Let me get myself some coffee, I’ll put you on speaker. Your father has gone out, you can speak freely, he’ll be back in about an hour, some meeting with an editor. Come on, talk to me.’

‘Have you seen those blinds?’

‘Nope, I don’t read that trash, most of it is made up or people supplying information to be nasty or for PR. How does that stuff concern you?’

‘Armie and I have been spotted twice.’

‘Really, what were you doing?’

‘The first time we were arguing, well disagreeing, I walked out of Soho House cos he was eyeing up our server…the second time was a few days ago, he kissed me, well to be fair it wasn’t all him, we were kissing near the Marina here in Sitka.’

‘Well, that was stupid.’

‘It’s so unfair…I have to hide him, I can’t behave with him how I want to…’

‘Let me stop you right there. What do you want? If you want your private life to remain private you should not be showing him off in any way. And like it or not the industry is still very cautious about promoting or being seen to support same-sex relationships. Who do you think is paying for those tickets to see your films? The same mid-westerners or southerners who don’t support homosexuality and would rather see a gay person burn in hell. The way things are now, nobody wants to hear about you and your boyfriend.

The only people who get away with it have history with the opposite sex, where’s yours? You have maintained a hold on your private life and now you want to tell everybody you are gay, get real. The studios still call the shots, they are going to give you some leeway, you can have a best friend, or room-mate or whatever the latest euphemism is. You wouldn’t expect a leading actor to declare he was gay…Most actors want to work, and in their next film they might be cast as a romantic lead to the opposite sex…that is a stretch too far for many people…It’s unfair but I am only telling you how it is.’

‘What should I do?’

‘Go and talk to Brian, and your publicist. I don’t think you have many options, get yourself a girlfriend or stay quiet and deal with any rumours, and stop kissing your boyfriend in public. That was beyond stupid, what did you expect? Especially somewhere like Sitka, where Armie is known. He is a fucking Hammer, the Hammers come from there don’t they? I can’t believe you took such a risk. Don’t tell me anymore, I am very annoyed with you. You were brought up in the business, you know what it’s like…half of Hollywood is gay, the other half are people you would never want to be around, but they all know what works and you have to find a way of dealing with them, if you don’t want shit don’t go round creating it.

What else is happening? I am done talking about your foolish behaviour, tell me about Armie and Sitka.’

With that Nicole switched to mothering mode and had essentially the mother son conversation with him that he needed, communicating with him and showing him that despite what had happened he was her son, she loved him and at any point of day she had his back.

‘Whatever happens Tim, I will support you. If you want to go public do it properly, find a way of introducing him that shows that what you have is a loving relationship and that you are doing things that normal couples do. If you want to go down the route of keeping it personal, that is OK too. When are you bringing him round? You have been dating in one way or another for more than six months, it’s not a year yet is it? And you have never brought him home…’

Whilst Timmy was speaking to his Mom, Armie woke. Woke to the soft murmuring conversation, he couldn’t hear all of the words but some things shot out, kissing, blind, privacy. All the things that had been going around his head in his sleep. He’d slept but had that sleep where the thoughts are passing through mind. All the better for you to wake up to, the issue sharper and clearer, sleeping yet remaining conscious at the same time. It felt like he had list of things to consider, to mull over and discuss with Timmy. The problem was the problem was not clear, nor even if the problem was his. Was it about being reliable, about their relationship and being gay and how that would fit into their respective worlds? That was it – it didn’t fit in any of their worlds. There was more liberalism but nothing had changed. It would always be hard to be public and in a same-sex relationship, because there was always someone who didn’t like it, people who could create difficulty whether that was personally or professionally. The fact that he had his own money and that Timmy was doing well in his career solved nothing. Armie was trying to rationalise the conversation or rather justify to himself that he still didn’t need his father. He had many questions rising in front of him, scrolling on the screen of his brain. If Timmy was so concerned about career, what did he have to worry about by comparison. What if he went and asked his father about taking an active role in either the company or the foundation, how would that work? What was he even thinking? This was weird, his mind went into list mode, what was it he needed to consider? He could still hear Timmy talking. That was at least one thing that he didn’t have worry about, Timmy could sort out his own problems, he had plenty of his own to look at. Why was that something he needed to contemplate? A start would be whether he really could live off his own money. For the first time the word career had meaning, If he could say he had a career and his own money, he could say fuck everyone. He didn’t know it but the pieces of his life were drawing themselves together in the back of his head. He switched on as the pieces started to rush into concrete thought, he wasn’t sure he liked the feeling.

He could live off his capital, and if he wanted hard cash he could sell one of his properties. The New York Apartment alone would make around $25m without any refurbishment and he had shares which were held in trust, though he couldn’t sell them unless the company itself was sold. That part of his inheritance was dead money. The California property was worth around $3m, he’d spent half a million refurbing it, his grandmother hadn’t lived there, he’d sold her house and bought the apartment. For more ready cash he could move somewhere smaller or to a different district. The Alaskan property wasn’t worth more than $900k, and it was only that value because of it’s favourable position.

Other than property, he had around $5 or $6m left of his grandmother’s inheritance. Sufficient to live on if he was careful, lived quietly and invested in secure government bonds. He couldn’t be running up and down town, or travelling extravagantly, being spendthrift. The rent from the New York apartment basically covered his living expenses and maintenance on the LA apartment and the Alaskan property. He tried to get annual contracts for the Park Avenue apartment rental, but there were times when it was rented for only part of the year and he might only get three-quarters of the income he’d come to rely on. He had to manage that also. He had a couple of cars, not new; he was given a few things because of who he was, he never had to buy good clothes because these were sent by designers because of the way he looked and the fact that he occasionally turned up at Foundation events, he chose who he would wear because he knew what suited his long frame and he knew that when he was in shape he could more than compete with male models. More than several designers had come knocking but when he was in public view he wanted discreet, elegant suiting and he knew which designers were best for him. Tom Ford was unexpectedly someone that he could comfortably talk to – Tom had come into the studio when he was being measured, they’d later gone out for a very pleasant dinner, where they were joined by Tom’s husband. His other favourite design house was surprisingly Italian, Ermenegildo Zegna. Both could cut a suit which indecently announced his ass, his best feature. His shoes were expensive, he had feet proportionate to his height, so he invested in several pairs of good leather shoes from English shoemakers, and topped them up with several more customised pairs from Italian designers. Most of his day to day stuff came from mid-range European brands, primarily German and Scandinavian brands because they were used to tall men, mixed in with Zara and Gap. He wasn’t going into an office every day, he just needed ordinary clothes and basically sneakers. He only wore Nike sneakers, because he could get them customised at little additional cost. When it came to going to the club, he mixed and matched. He did not have club clothes, he chose lighter weighted materials and wore those instead, when he was there he did not dress to attract men, men came to him. He sat and waited, he was always approached. He was frugal and did not waste money on clothes or appearance, doing enough to look appropriate rather than attract attention.

At some point he knew he would have make good on his education, and build his funds, he wasn’t poor but it was unlikely that he could live the rest of his life comfortably or in the style in which he had grown up, on the money he had left. Something had to change. 

His thoughts turned to work and career, career a little thought that tagged behind. He did not attend the Foundation board meetings regularly, only when there were items on the agenda to which he knew he could properly contribute. Over the past month, he had started to take a greater interest, reading the material sent out before the meetings and reading up on companies and individuals the organisation as a whole dealt with. He wasn’t a dilettante, but neither did he have aim. He was thirty-two, if he was not careful he would become known as one of those trust fund babies for whom nobody had any great respect. 

He examined his life. There was little he could reflect on. What had he achieved? Sure he had known love at an early age, what else? Fucking around…nobody respected that. Work? He’d never really worked full-time at anything in his life.

What the fuck was he doing? What a waste. He had spent a good ten years swanning around basically doing nothing. His whole aim had once been to forget the past, once he had done that, what? Nothing. Nothing meaningful achieved. His life achievements were paltry. He’d worked out how to deal with what his father had done; wasn’t entirely resolved but he was managing, he could put away any thoughts and live his life such as it was, and then the sudden realisation: How long do I carry on blaming my father for my life? Is it all his fault that I am the way that I am? The thought struck him hard. He couldn’t answer because he had never asked himself, it had simply never occurred to him to ask that question, had never fully examined what this was. The fuck. What had he been doing? He had spent ten years wallowing in the belief that his life was entirely in the hands of his father. Where was that young man who had had the vigour and desire to get out of the control of his father? Instead he had placed himself in a world of restrictions made up by doing the opposite of what his father wanted. Basically making his life entirely related to what his father wanted.

What did he want?

How did Timmy feature?

He had found Timmy, had put him in a space occupied by his father and the hate of…that was too strong, best describe it as disgust with his father. His initial treatment of Timmy was driven by his past, his past which was coloured by the image of his father. A presence ghostly or otherwise which had been driving his behaviour all of his life.

Then he thought, how am I better than my father? I am not living the life that would be best for me. What do I want?

It made him hot, streams of conflict and consciousness were running through him. His head was on fire, he couldn’t think straight, what he thought was right was completely wrong. Shit. He put his head into his hands and realised he was truly unhappy. How long for? Jesus Christ. Here he was thinking he had resolved things, and he had merely papered over the existing fissures in the fabric of his life.

<https://www.cityrealty.com/nyc/park-fifth-ave-79th-st/740-park-avenue/4661>

<https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/10660-Wilshire-Blvd-APT-1801-Los-Angeles-CA-90024/20505595_zpid/>

<https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/2301-Merganser-Dr-Sitka-AK-99835/194381746_zpid/>

* * *

Chapter Two.

‘Armie, I feel like all fucked up.’

They were still in bed, it wasn’t early and it wasn’t late. They could lie there for another hour or so before it become a day wasted.

Armie couldn’t answer, he had his own kind of fucked up. He wanted to tell Timmy how he felt but he wasn’t sure he could put it into words. Instead he resorted to his normal ploy, he was going to make Timmy and himself forget about their problems the easiest way he could. He pulled Timmy to him.

‘Armie, don’t…please’

He persisted, held him close, stroking his back, kissing his neck, pulling at him, touching his ass, getting on top of him, sliding a hand between them, and softly squeezing Timmy who lay there and let him, he was not quite forcing but certainly pressing onwards until Timmy gave in and turned soft in his arms.

‘Take what you want…’

His eyes were blank, he did not care if Armie wanted to fuck him, he could if he wanted. Dared him with his eyes. He wasn’t bothered. Just get it over with. A few days ago he had been making Armie service him. Armie remembered the hotel bedroom, kneeling before him, and realised he wasn’t turned on, he thought he was but he wasn’t. His dick had grown warm but it was not hard. He was only going by the numbers. He moved off him, didn’t know what to do. This had never happened before. Both the times that he had had to leave Jacob, his sexual desire did not wane, the first time he retreated to the standby of teenage boys and masturbated, after he had dumped Jacob he resorted to miserable pick-ups and the effect was the same, some satisfaction definitely not the same as being with someone who loved and cared for you, and who you in turn wanted to pleasure. This was different it wasn’t actually about Timmy. Perversely, he wanted Timmy desired him but he could not get over his mood. His father rose in front of him, the shadow of him floated there even as he lay caught in an internal storm of anger and self-pity. He got out of bed, threw on some clothes, a pair of stout shoes, picked up his wallet and jacket and left the house.

Timmy had his own set of problems. Armie’s sudden change of mood intrigued him. He didn’t feel threatened, but he was torn, wanting to care but having enough on his plate to occupy him. He’d spoken to Brian and just as his Mom had suggested, he told him he had two options, get a girlfriend/female partner of some description, or lay low and stop fucking around. He’d opted for the second, there was no way he was going to swan around town with a woman, fuck that. That would suit Armie too, he had no wish to be seen about town with either man nor woman, it wasn’t his thing. He’d said so, he was mainly not seen except when he wanted to be seen. And then he remembered Armie had said that he would not necessarily go along with whatever he wanted, he had his own life to live, Timmy would need to find his own route to happiness and at the same time accommodate or more like accept whatever Armie was able to offer him. He was in a quandary, not knowing how to approach Armie.

The long and short was neither of them was happy and both knew why.

Timmy waited for Armie to come back, the day rolled on. He made lunch, a sandwich and a packet of chips and an apple, sat on the surrounding veranda and ate it. It was warm for Sitka, the temperature was approaching 22 degrees Celsius, he needed a long sleeved top because the wind temperature was cooler, with the air coming in off the sea which was just down a meandering pathway, and meant that the breeze was refreshing in both sense and temperature. Then he brewed some tea and nursed that, he could feel the afternoon weather begin to turn, and fetched a sweater and a book, it was still pleasant the sun was shining, a warm light was still in the sky. He waited for Armie to return. It got to seven and still no Armie, he began to worry and called him. It went to voicemail.

Around sunset, Armie rolled in drunk. This was unusual, he hardly ever drank to excess, and he could drink a lot before it affected him. Timmy guessed he had gone to a bar, to steep in his problems and drink them off for the best part of the day. Timmy watched as he stumbled around proclaiming he was all right, variously eating shit, fries and a burger he’d brought in with him, and then ten minutes later a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then a bag of chips, then drinking water; it was not amusing. Armie got himself to bed after ten, took off his clothes and got into bed naked, no shower and did not brush his teeth. Timmy contemplated going into the same bed and thought better, at midnight he went to the other bedroom which they had used that first week of the trip. They were going home in three days. He wasn’t looking forward to it.

At two o’clock he felt a depression on the bed, Armie.

‘Have you showered, and brushed your teeth?’

‘I am not going to fuck you.’

‘You smell.’

‘Yeah, I’ve been drinking, I know.’

‘Don’t you have any consideration for me. You should go and shower, you smell dreadful.’

Armie got up.

Timmy sat in bed and waited, the velvet darkness of an unfamiliar room surrounded him. He didn’t feel uncomfortable, waited some more and got up. Armie was in the living area, a living sculpture, laid out on the sofa, gently snoring. Timmy left him, he’d feel it in the morning, he wouldn’t wake him, he could get over it the best as he could. He threw a light blanket over him and left him to sleep off what remained of his hangover.

The following morning both woke at the same time, it was 9.45am, there was a call. It woke them both. Armie got to it first. It was his father. He spoke as he tried to rouse himself.

‘What do you want?’

Timmy rolled over and went back to sleep. Whoever it was could go to hell.

‘Nice way to greet your father.’

‘I don’t have time for this, what do you want?’

Armie guessed the second blind had something to do with it.

‘I can’t make you come into the company. If you want to run around fucking all and sundry that is your business. You need to think on.

Armie, I am not here to tell you what to do. I made a mess of my life and I only just got it back on track in the last few years. I don’t have any control over what you do, but I can advise you.

I don’t hold with men fucking men, it ain’t natural, but also I ain’t stupid. You have been with this man for a while, you seem settled.’

Armie’s whole body was floating with nerves, he was trying to still himself and his thoughts, and then hold onto what remained in his stomach while he listened to what his father had to say. His throat closed up and his head was all jumbled, it was like his father’s voice was speaking into ether, words came and went. He tried to listen.

‘Do you want to come into the company?

Instinctively Armie answered.

‘Will you accept Timmy as my partner, someone who will be by my side at company events. A straight yes or no will do. No equivocation’

‘Armie you know the deal. Marry or nothing. You can marry Bleu, keep Timmy as your silent partner. I need my family to grow, grandchildren, heirs from my heir people I can count on, keep the family involvement going, we are a dynasty. We spoke about this many times Armie. It’s time. You are over thirty. What are you doing with your life? All you do is fuck around.’

It was like his father had the pipeline to his brain, all the thoughts he had running around his head the day before descended like a dead drop.

‘Did you think I didn’t know what your were up to? I got all their names, none of them have a bean or standing. Timothée is the only one who has as much to lose as you…’

His voice dropped.

‘I always told you, only fuck people who have as much to lose as you, you have something that you can hold over them if it all goes up shit creek. I can help you Armie, I have the wherewithal to persuade any of those deadbeats to shut up while you can settle with Timmy, if you need it. Come into the company and all will be set right. There are many of them who can tell tales of your exploits…’

‘How can I be married and yet be with Timmy?’

Armie sneered at the idea, and at the same time began to see that his father had the power to destroy him, and Timmy’s career. At key points of his life, errors he had made handed control to other people, primarily his father, this was another.

‘I’ll set you up in suitable accommodation for a family, you can use our publicist, she’ll get the right story out. I’ll get you into the Foundation if you prefer. You have the children, Timmy gets a house nearby that I will put into your trust whilst he is with you, and you won’t be far from him. You still have a family trust Armie and you should be making use of it.’

‘No.’

‘This will be best for you both in the long run. He will no longer be associated with you, I get grandchildren who will follow us into the business, and you get peace of mind. You don’t have to fuck her, I know that won’t work…there are other methods for producing children. Your life will be kept private…I’ll see to that.’

Now it was clear. A path was being laid. Armie heard the threat, your personal business will not be safe if you do not comply. That meant that Timmy’s business would not be safe either. There was a third blind coming. He wasn’t stupid. Just as he thought he was escaping, he was falling right back into his father’s control and this time Timmy was caught in the same net.

* * *

Chapter Three

‘He’s my partner, he’s more than my boyfriend.’

‘Speak to me when you decide to come into the company.’

The line went dead.

Armie called him back.

‘I’ll get married but I am not coming into the company, I’d rather keep my private life private, If I come into the company I get wrapped up in all the happy family branding shit…I don’t want to be part of that, you can I can’t. Not because he isn’t my family now, but because there are plenty of hypocrites like you out there. Fucking liars and hypocrites, living one way espousing a different lifestyle, it’s all crap.’

‘That’s the deal Armie, you come into the company and you get married, simple. We already had that conversation. We are a company built on family values, it’s in all of our tags it’s on our branding, luxury for all of your family, clean living, nice family people. Your current lifestyle does not fit in with that. You have to be married, you are of an age where people talk. That’s it, no more fucking around Armie.’

The line went dead again.

Armie picked up the phone again and called him back.

‘OK.’

‘What? Do you know what you just said?’

‘Yes.’

‘You are going to marry Bleu.’

‘Yes.’

‘You’ll take up a board position? Armie are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

‘Don’t mess with me.’

‘I am going to marry Bleu and I will go into the company – I am doing this for Timmy, not because I believe in your fake lifestyle choice’

‘I don’t trust you. Why you have changed your mind? Children are part of the deal, remember?’

‘Yes. Ways and means father, I won’t have to fuck her, draw up the contract’.

‘If you marry her it will be a pre-nup.’

‘I don’t care how you do it, but it has to be a contract, I am not going to stay married to her. Maximum of ten years. Minimum of three, children, then I am out of it. That’s it take it or leave it.’

His father fell silent. He had intended to make life difficult for Armie. He still had more photos of them together, he could still pose as anonymous source and get a blind published somewhere. He could announce the wedding. He held off saying anything. This was too easy.

‘You know I know about the blinds?’

‘Wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t behind them.’

‘As if I would destroy my own son…’

‘Just get the contract drawn up.’

Armie put the phone down. Now he had to tell Timmy.

‘I think I have the solution to those blinds.’

Timmy was perplexed, his face a mixture of questions and trying to stay calm. He looked into Armie’s face to see what he had to say.

‘I am going to get married.’

The air was suddenly charged. Nothing was said for a good while.

‘I am not getting a girlfriend or anyone approaching a girlfriend. Nope. If you go down that route you are on your own. You told me that you would not follow me and the very thing I said I would not do, you are going to do. What if I don’t want you to do it?

‘Tough. If I marry then we get to be together, you’ll live near, I will more or less live with you and maintain a façade of happy families.’

‘That won’t work. You won’t be able to deal with it. You can’t be near a woman for any length of time.’

Timmy was not lying. Armie could deal with women but he was not in any way interested in them, did not like to converse with them, and had no understanding of what made them tick. Starting with his relationship with his mother, he felt all women were in some way duplicitous, even when they did not mean to be, he had to go a long way before he trusted them. Doria was the only one who had not wanted something from him and had treated him like an individual, he had loved her unconditionally and his father had taken her from him, he still felt some way about this it choked him up, he never got rid of the feeling that were she still around things would be very different. Then he sat back thinking, Paige had been thoughtful – turned that on its head, and thought well she would, it was her son she was protecting. Who else? He’d watched a variety of women walk in and out of his father’s life, losing respect for them and him over the recent past. Christ, how was he going to manage being around Bleu?

‘And what do you mean I’ll live near you, I spend a good part of the year in New York – what happens then? We haven’t been together long enough for us to worry about that, I’ve been here in LA, but next month I need to be New York for a while. I was going to ask you to come with me or to at least visit, how are you going to cope when I have to abroad for work or have to stay in New York? My parents still have an apartment there, that’s where I go. We never really discussed the bearding thing, you can’t have a wife, you can’t fuck anyone. We are together, that means that we are in a relationship and we are more than exclusive. If you want to get with someone else, we are done. Wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fuckbuddy regardless who everybody else is out of bounds.’

‘What if the blinds continue?‘

‘I’ll take the risk.’

‘If I am married they will stop.’

‘How do you know? Do you know who is providing the information?’

Armie turned away, he didn’t want to lie and he wasn’t going to tell the truth either.

‘Let’s just say that I know how to turn off the supply of information.’

‘If you know you have to tell me.’

‘And if I don’t?’

Timmy took everything in and it resided in his face. It was a turning point.

‘We’re done. I can’t stay with someone who has that power and chooses to hold out on me or lie to me. I’ll take a chance Armie.’

Now Armie was alive to all possibilities.

‘My father.’

‘What…I don’t understand…’

‘Somehow he has the information Timmy. He isn’t blackmailing me but he has let me know that he has the means to keep information out of the gossip rags about us.’

‘That is blackmail Armie, what are you going to do about it?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go through with it.’

‘What!’

‘Yes. Go through with it. What do you have to do?’

‘I already told you. I am getting married.’

‘Except you are not. Get everything organised, you won’t go through with this. I am going to get my team involved.’

‘Don’t Timmy, please. He’s capable of ruining you.’

‘He won’t, come on we can deal with this.’

He placed his hand on Armie’s neck and using the tips of his fingers began to softly stroke him under the hairline at the back of his head, gently teasing, comforting Armie who seemed lost, lost in some kind of memory.

Timmy spoke to Brian who told him to leave Armie to his own devices. He would not recommend getting involved and he would not let Timmy’s team get involved in any way.

‘It’s time Armie stood up to his father. There’s stuff there that you cannot afford to get yourself involved in. The father is quite frankly a lunatic, he’s never settled emotionally there’s some problem within that family which they need to resolve with therapy, not money and power. And I cannot put my finger on what it is Timmy. The father has married for the third time, he looks happy, has two children seemingly adored but I know he is visiting his second wife, she has never completely disappeared out of his life. I know he has a daughter with her but he spends half the week with the second wife and half the week with his new family. Armie is nowhere in that picture, the first wife got herself out and he never sees her. Armie never sees his mother, that is a seriously fucked up situation and you cannot cure it. It is common knowledge and if you follow the family in any way, it is apparent what is going on. You are my client, I make it my business to check what you are involved with.

I’ve been monitoring the Hammers ever since you got involved with Armie, and I’ll not tell you what to do, but if you want Armie you need to get him out of that family, marrying or working in the family business is not going to work out well for him.

He already lives some parts of his life in a lie, if he wants to get into the business, his whole life is going to become a farce. How is he going to be in a relationship with you, and live with a wife and child? That is the same set up as his father, and it is fucked up. We do things we have to do to live the lives we want, but it is always best to keep things straight and to keep things simple, maintaining a story around two households is not straightforward. Armie cannot be in two places at the same time and you are going to get caught out, sooner or later you are going to be seen in a place where you shouldn’t be.

What does he do anyway? He is more or less a playboy. He has nothing he is committed to. I am not counting you, he makes time for you but how can he be committed and want you to fall in with some half-cocked plan. And, how would you cope if he had to split his week between you and his wife. If you think he won’t be fucking her, you are mistaken.’

Timmy got wild.

‘He won’t be fucking her, he can barely get it up with a woman! He isn’t made that way. I could sleep with a woman if I had to, but him? Never! I trust him in that.’

‘Timmy, I understand, you have something with him that for you is precious, but he isn’t ready for you. My advice is to stay away from him until he gets his shit sorted. The family situation is currently irresolvable, and I don’t think it will ever be resolved for him unless Armie makes a new start. If that new start is with you, then you need to think about your career. The team can manage things around the edges we cannot manage what someone else might do, and I don’t mean Armie. His father cannot be trusted and if there are people around him who have reason to be discontented, they will pick on anything they can to hurt the Hammers including partners. You are deeply involved with Armie and you are now publicly associated with him, so you are fair game. I can’t tell you anything more, you know all of this anyway.

Listen, if you want to talk some more by all means come and talk to me. I got to run. We can have lunch or dinner – that’s what I am here for. But I will not be making the services of the Agency or the PR team available to you for you to sort out Armie Hammer’s life. Let me know what you decide, talk to Armie and talk to your parents, they always have good advice.’

Timmy decided to talk to his father, he was the only other person whose advice he trusted and whom he had not approached for advice. He was embarrassed because he had not spoken to Marc about Armie. He spoken about what they were doing, where they had gone, had had a cursory conversation about coming to Sitka and relied on his mother to fill Marc in. It was cowardly, because he knew what Marc would say. Although he would never tell what to do, he always had an opinion, and the reason he’d let his children go ahead with what they wanted was because he knew instinctively when it would be best to let them go and make a mistake, and when it was right to say no, don’t do it. Timmy knew the answer before he spoke with him, and he knew that whatever happened he would stick around to help him out of whatever hole he had dug for himself. He recognised he was lucky, his father was a straight up man, he was younger than most of his friends’ fathers he came with a different perspective. He had married Nicole when he twenty-five and she was thirty-two against the advice of his own parents and that of his friends. But he knew on the night he met her that he had met the woman who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and it was because of this that Timmy was so certain about Armie. The same thing was happening between him and Armie, Timmy was younger but more certain, it had taken him two ‘dates’ but he was more or less certain after that second time in Armie’s bed that he wanted this man to be around for a long time.

His father never wavered, he never thought about straying and he did not understand other men who did. It was straightforward for him, Nicole was his person, someone who would fight for him and for their family, the relationship was built on common goals and a strong desire for each other. They never had to go looking for each other, like a homing device they could tell when the other was ready to go, ready to make a decision or about to carry out the right action, or they would wait for the other to catch up. There is always someone who is ahead in life and the other just has to catch up and be given the time to catch up, to realise what is needed to go forward. That is what his father taught him and more to the point showed him. That is what Timmy wanted, and he wasn’t sure if he was honest that Armie was in a place where this could happen. Marc’s philosophy of life was very much built on the fact that the reason people made mistakes in their personal life was that they were not ready or did not have the experience or knowledge that would dictate the right decision. And in that instance did not have the wherewithal or desire to wait for the right time or to seek the right advice.

He had to accept that he could not replicate his parent’s relationship but in them had a clear illustration of what a good relationship looked like. Armie had never had this and he could see that there was something else worrying him now. Why take up the idea of marrying to hide, that was fucking nonsense, he’d held his silence when Armie had spoken about this. Brian had convinced him that he had to get Armie away from his family, but how? And that is when he thought to speak to his father.

He took Marc to their favourite restaurant, a Moroccan café where they served home made food, it only opened five days a week, Tuesday to Thursday and then again Saturday and Sunday, and if alcohol was required it had to be brought in, and not encouraged. Tasty and refreshing juice drinks were made on site, or an array of bottled soft drinks from North Africa could be bought. A pitcher of water was placed on each table, so in fact there was no need to buy drink. It was all about the quality of the food and making sure your guests enjoyed themselves. One room had tables and chairs, the other cushions on the floor, the cushioned room was more traditional but Marc and Timmy chose the tables on this occasion, they wanted to worry about their conversation rather than their comfort, the promise next time of retreating to a corner of the cushioned floor and drink and chat. Tonight was a night for serious discussion and no distraction.

He told him everything, not the details of the sex but how he felt about it and why it was so important to them both, the risks they had taken, everything he knew about Armie’s family, the blinds, what Nicole and Brian had said and what Armie had proposed.

His father was to the point:

‘You don’t know enough to make a decision. Armie hasn’t told you everything you need to know about his family. I don’t think he is holding out on you, he just doesn’t know what you need to make an informed decision. You don’t truly know what you want and Armie hasn’t really dealt with the issues he has with his father. He is just falling into line with what is being proposed in the false belief that he will be helping you. He is helping himself, because he is avoiding the real issue at hand. His father doesn’t love him, not in the non-manipulative way he needs. He will tell Armie he wants the best for him and the family and his company, but if he really loved him he would leave Armie alone so he can come to the best decision himself, and perhaps live his life exactly he needs and sees fit. The insistence on family and company will not work for Armie…but you know that, don’t you? He needs to step away from that mess and find out what he wants Timmy.

You can’t help him, you can wait for him but he may never arrive. He might be stuck where he is, wanting one thing and not sure how to get it. Many people know that what they have is not right but don’t know what to do to get it. Most people never reach their full potential, some achieve things to help compensate for that. What has Armie achieved that is free and clear of his father, that does not depend on his father? The sex is good, you talk, you want his company and to be near him but is it getting you what you need Timmy? That is the decision isn’t it? Are you getting what you need?’

Timmy’s eyes filled, but did not brim over. That was what he was frightened of, he could wait but for how long? And what if in waiting, his life and career was stultified? If he kept moving forward, Armie might be held in the quicksand of his current circumstances moving further away rather than towards him. He knew the answer…he couldn’t wait. He had things he wanted to achieve, he couldn’t wait because it meant running the risk that he in fact handed the power to run his life over to Armie and his father. Armie might want the best for him but in achieving it he was in fact handing Armand Senior the means to control him. He couldn’t have that.

‘Thanks Dad. Do you mind if I go now, I’m tired, and I need to speak to Armie before I go to bed.’

He got up.

‘I’ve pre-paid for the food on my card, I’ll call you.’

Marc stayed and had a turkish coffee, he given some hard advice and knew his son was beyond upset, he’d leave him for now and check in with him in a few days. He would need time to sort out what he had do and then there would be repercussions.

Timmy went out the door walked a few yards found a corner at the back of the restaurant, sat on a crate and the foretold tears now ran down his face.

* * *

Chapter Four

It wasn’t as hard as Timmy thought it would be. He decided not to meet Armie and spoke to him over the phone. He’d cried the whole twenty minutes it took to break up with Armie. When he realised what was happening Armie became stoic, and put up his shield in a practiced move, gave Timmy nothing, murmuring yes, OK, well, and then the call ended and he broke down not comparable of coming to terms with the full meaning. It was some time before he was able rise from where he had fallen in spirit. It was all too painful and too similar to past events. Love lost is painful.

Armie understood, it had always been there, the fear that things were too good to be true. In truth he had been waiting for something to happen, something that involved his father and meant that he was he was going to lose someone he loved. Timmy was the third person. He decided that he had nothing worth losing. He married Bleu and joined the organisation; it was easier than he thought it might be. He did what he thought would be best for everyone, saw it as something he might as well do, he was nowhere in consideration, everyone was getting what they wanted and as he didn’t know himself what he wanted, how could he dispute what his father thought was best for him. He capitulated, put his head down and buried himself in his new life.

Timmy was no longer associated with him, he’d moved to New York, bought his own apartment in East Harlem, and moved into an area where he could hide. The paps left him alone, it was easy for him to go underground and dive into his career technically too busy to have a love life. Not so easy for Armie, he was now required to promote his marriage and a burgeoning career. He chose to go into the Foundation, there were less restrictions and he could take a personal interest in the artistic projects he was interested in. He had to concede big business did not interest him, the Foundation people were more forgiving and accepting, and he could work the hours he wanted, a year passed and he found he was beginning to enjoy himself and felt guilty about it. Then the children arrived, he found his time fully occupied, but deep down there was a solid hole in the core of him where Timmy sat and played with his emotions.

He lived in the house with Bleu, they tried to get children the natural way but he couldn’t, each time he laid on Bleu, Timmy’s face rose up in front of him and he had to stop. So they used artificial insemination and took action to favour a child of each gender and he was lucky, he got what he wanted. A girl and a boy, the boy first a natural heir. Once the girl was born, he resumed cruising bars, except he was more careful choosing to infrequently visit private clubs where nobody gave a fuck who you dined or drank with, clubs that were in the community and where he felt he fitted in and privacy was guaranteed. Clubs where everyone knew the score but equally feared being caught out, he was at last following the advice of his father. His father was happy, his heir was behaving normally at least to anyone looking on in a cursory way. The dynasty was secure, he still had his other sons and his daughter but he had a natural heir, one born to his first born which was all he had ever wanted, the dynasty secure. He knew about the cruising, but he let that go, if Armie was not entirely happy well, no-one had all round happiness, he would just have to bear it.

Then one day Armie had to go to New York and Bleu was going to be with him. It was the Met Ball, the Foundation had bought a table for eight. The Foundation had been contributing to the Met for five years and Armie had stepped up their donations, a presence was as good as advertising, and if a favourable image published widely the whole event would be well worth the expenditure. The only issue was that he could not dictate who might allowed on the table, in the end he could invite six people and the organisers told him that they would get the other two, also not to worry because they would ensure that it would be someone that he knew and could trust. He had to wait to find out who was joining them on the night itself, he hoped that the guests would be entertaining and not embarrass him he had invited two men, and their partners, who he was hoping would join him in investing in a major art exhibition and who were already known to the Met, he had a lot riding on this dinner.

Bleu had proved to a good friend and sympathetic partner; she had her sexual needs met by a long-time friend, who was married but had no intention of divorcing his wife and the wife was ‘metropolitan’ and easy going, taking the view that so long as she knew what was going on, her husband was free to have Bleu in his life. She could not be all things to him. She liked Bleu but she did not want to meet with her on a regular basis. So they only met at formal events so when they did meet at formal social occasions in LA everything was civil. Not many people knew about their arrangement, they had managed to keep most of their activities private, only Armand Senior knew, because he made it his business to know everything.

Bleu would have happily slept with Armie, it would be no problem; Armie was gorgeous, maintained his figure and finally developed some interest in maintaining a good physical appearance, choosing expensive clothes that enhanced his figure and treatments and haircuts that emphasised his good looks, and hid his unhappiness under flawless courtesy and an ease of manner that charmed everyone who came within his presence. He was approached by men and women, he was always gracious and said that he loved his wife and did not cheat, but anyone who had eyes could tell that he was lying, it just wasn’t obvious what he was lying about, the marriage didn’t ring true, it was too harmonious and perfectly presented. No matter how he tried, the love did not reach his eyes and he was always too quick to profess love for his darling wife who had provided him with two beautiful children, neither could he fault her. She did most of the child caring, was a founder of and partner in a chain of luxury boutique shoe stores scattered around LA and came with him to Foundation events except when it clashed significantly with childcare or her work. To her it did not matter how the children came about, she loved them and protected them, they were allowed a normal childhood one which Armie had never had. She got them up, fed them, returning to care for them after her working day until their bedtime. Of course she had help but when she could she did everything for them in terms of their day to day care and Armie was grateful. Grateful because he told her right at the start that there was one person that he would drop everything for if he ever came back, he didn’t elaborate, so she accepted and knew that at some point if it wasn’t this person, someone else would take his proper place in Armie’s life.

So life rambled on for a few years and then the Gala loomed. Armie went up a few days before on the premise that he would attend a few meetings and perhaps go out to some events around the main ball, there were a few dinners and cocktail parties run by brands associated to the Met, without disrupting the children’s lives by having Bleu with him at these pre-events. He had tickets for three events, at which there going to be only the most prestigious, exclusive, A list stars and Fortune 100 CEOs attendees. Then someone literally threw him a ticket for Storefront’s Benefit Gala in East Harlem and told him he had to go to see how things were done at the other end of the scale. He knew a few people who were going to be there, so he would have company at least for an hour, then he could return to the Park Avenue apartment. Park Avenue was now solely used by him, Bleu preferred to stay in the Hammer family apartment, which had staff, when she came to New York. He would stay at his apartment, they were just a couple blocks apart, walking distance, easy for him because no-one noticed him in New York. He wasn’t well known, he could walk freely and had even managed to slip in an out of a couple of bars unnoticed, but he was vigilant. He didn’t know the terrain well and he could not risk being spotted cruising. He had two or three gay friends who could travel with him on occasions like this, so he went out with them for dinner and for drinks when he needed either in LA or New York, nothing else, they were wealthy, came from old money, they knew how to behave and how the land lay. Discreet and private just how he liked it. Their friendship made things a lot easier for him, providing the relief and sympathy he needed to be able to maintain the façade of his life.

Timmy was filming in Germany, so there was no chance that he would be there. Yes, he had checked and he did not want to run into him. The Benefit was honouring three South American artists, so he thought he would swing by and see what was happening, it was more grass roots than what the Foundation normally got involved in but he could see that offsetting the glamour of the Gala with a more down to earth creative event was good PR and it looked interesting, he was steadily getting an interest in modern art and beginning to demonstrate real knowledge and expertise in this field, the work of these artists looked promising and it would also give him an early view of what might be a potentially good market to get into.

He arrived and spotted Georges, his contact and supplier of the invitation. Georges was the same age, married with one child, open, friendly and warm. Georges liked Armie could see there was more to him, that he was troubled about something he would not divulge and let him be. Georges took him around and introduced him to a few people including a couple who were collectors of Prado, one of the artists being featured. Armie stood talking with them, he was enjoying himself, then he felt a buzz sweep across the room, and turned round to see who had come in. Timmy.

Timmy dressed in his trademark casual attire, hair wild, his eyes hooded, just his normal self but different, immediately different and yet the same, his Timmy and Armie stood crushed, metaphorically squeezed himself just to maintain calm. He stood and watched as Timmy walked straight over to him and placed a hand on his back, hand fully spread, caressing him, like a spring, longing rose up through his body. Here was the person he had been waiting for, his Timmy, his person, his baby the one he only had to see to open up all kinds of longing in him. He wanted to cry, he wanted him so much, just like that, it seemed natural – everything good was returned to him in the body of one person. The couple turned away having watched how they encountered each other, recognising the feeling between them and understanding they were redundant.

‘It’s time and I want you back, are you ready for me?’ 

Said politely, sotto voce, no one would guess what was being said, so inviting, confident spoken under his breath, overtly sexual, direct, a promise that was so familiar.

His Timmy…the earnest Timmy gone, this version grown up and at ease with himself. He wasn’t worried about how he appeared and he did not care how his approach to Armie might be perceived. Armie wanted to kiss him and hold him in his arms, his defences fallen at the first hurdle, he was watching his past break up into dust, vignettes racing across his mind falling away resolved, finally seeing how hard he’d been trying to accept how things were, but acknowledging in a very short period of time the reality that he had been holding on waiting indefinably for things to come good, good in the form of Timmy returning to him. There was a long moment where everything became clear, no time to waste, the past blurred and gone, his future focussed and in view, the present very sharp and Timmy at it’s centre. His intermittent bad luck blown up in just one touch. This time he wasn’t going to let him go.

He wanted to take his hand, hesitated and rested his hand in the centre of his back, guiding him out of the room. Familiar, companion to the move Timmy had made on him, known, like it was something innate. He knew exactly where he was and where he was going.

Armie took him back to his apartment. He never made it to the other dinners nor to the Gala, gave his apologies and neither did he return to LA. He and Timmy set up in New York, Timmy moved in when he completed filming in Germany, and Armie never divorced. Their cover set. They could live in peace. Bleu went back to LA and was provided with a suitable house and staff in a manner suited to the mother of heirs of a dynasty, all that was asked was her discretion, no explanation offered to outsiders or media for the change in circumstance. The news of their semi-official split passed off relatively quietly. the media already knew the marriage was one of convenience and as they were not harming anyone, the basis of the marriage was allowed to run unmentioned in mainstream media. It was managed. Timmy was established, it was a given he never spoke about his personal relationships and arranged that he was never asked.

They were finally happy.


End file.
